My Daily Brew
Here you may read about my daily thoughts and ponderings.....dare to ponder with me?
Homesick for ancient ways
Why is it? Why is it that I feel so at home and in my hum when visiting places that carry old energy? Ancient places, places of long ago…
Today was a wonderful day spent at the open air museum in Arnhem. It wasn’t really ancient at that, but the old houses, the herbal gardens, the black kettle pots and fire places, cobblestone paths and artisan ways, the chickens and sheep and wool. It all brought me a sense of calmness. Away from the hectic way of life in the modern world. As I walked there, among the ‘old ways’ and in someway wished I were really there…that it was real….I also realized that in reality it must have been everything except that calmness and peace I felt. In those times it must have been pretty rough, hard work and at times a certain survival. So why would I want to live in such a time? I think part of it was the fact that we lived and worked much closer with nature in those times, something we have forgotten how to do these days.
What is it that makes me feel so homesick when I am in a place like this, or when I am watching a television series such as Outlander (filmed in the Scottish highlands, taking place around 1743) or reading such books? Or watching a documentary on the Appalachians, or ancient England or Scotland or reading up on herbs and ancient medicines. What is it that I really long for?
I realize it is not the time and space I long to return to, I have been burned at the stake too many times to want that. It goes deeper than that, deeper than a simple time travel. At first I thought maybe it was an escape, an escape from this hectic dis-memberd society. A society with too much information, a society where one is bombarded with too much unimportant bullshit, fear and lies. Where there is almost no escape as there is wifi in every building, train, plane and street corner. A society where everybody is in a hurry and no one has the time anymore to stop and smell the flowers (or the bus fumes in most cases these days).
But as I felt further I knew it was not escape…(well, maybe a little, and at times a lot).. it went further than just an escape. Knowing I have chosen to come into this world at this time, -thus landing in a society, in a world full of wifi, smartphones and fast lanes- I knew I couldn’t escape. I am here. In this time and space. And I am sure I have a good reason of being here.
Now I still do not know the precise reason as to why I am here (although in many ways I can and do feel the very essence of it -the knowledge, wisdom and an eagerness- flowing through me like a river….making its way around the rocks and boulders, sometimes calm and gentle without any hurry and other times it feels like a class 5 rapid is running through my veins.) But as I invite myself to linger a little bit longer in this feeling of homesickness…to look at it, caress it and to feel it more deeply, I sense it is bringing me closer to what it is my heart really desires and closer to who I really am.
The feeling of homesickness for the ancient ways is not about time or space. It’s about being authentic, it’s about remembering that I am a part of the earth and the stars and that I can draw from life’s source anytime needed. It is remembering that just like the earth, stars and wind, I too carry the same wisdom. Just like the tiny seed knows how to become a big mighty oak or a flexible willow…I too carry the knowledge to become who I am. And that through the years, in each stage of being, I am exactly who and where I need to be so that I can become who I truly am.
All I need to do is to tune back in more often. Just like in ancient times when people always needed to be tuned into and with nature to survive…so do I need to stay tuned with and into the source of nature and life itself to be able to survive in this world.
My heart is homesick for connection with source.
Walking the Land before
I take my walk and sense that I am not at peace. Everywhere I look I see things disturbing my view. I hear things that agitate and unsettle me. I look around into the distance…then close by…trying to find a view where there is no interference with that which I seek. I find solace in things pure and untouched…the natural beauty of the living earth and life. But everywhere I look something disturbs…a car, a tractor, a power line, a plane, high rise buildings…and when I close my eyes to listen I can barely hear the songs of the birds and crickets which are over powered by the mechanics of this everyday life. Even when I walk in the woods…where my eyes are treated to much beauty, in the distance is always the hum or roar of some car, tractor or plane, slicing through the placid scenery like a sharp ugly dagger.
I feel saddened, and wonder why I ever decided to come into such a world, but I know deep down I had a reason to come. Even though there are many things I do not understand or like, I am still able to see all the beauty in life. It’s just….sometimes….sometimes I would like to time travel back to a place where the earth was still untouched. As I stand here at the fork of the river…seeing how it splits from one entity into two…I wonder how my surroundings looked hundreds of years ago. I try to imagine no roads, no flats in the skyline, no cars, no tractors…just the trees, the wind, the grass. I imagine how the river flows in silence without the diesel boats plowing their way through her…moving freely with no dykes to contain her when she swells in all her glory. The grass uncut, the roads and paths unpaved. People walking or riding their horses to get from one place to the other, having more time and opportunity to stop and say hello.
Yes, it is also that…taking more time. Before there were cars and planes and internet to take us where we want to go..instantly- we took the time (had no other choice). We were in motion. We passed each other and spoke to each other.And when we arrived, we stayed a while. There was no hurry as the constant hurry we find ourselves in today. In a world without cars, planes, trains and internet…everything slows down. Time slows down. We slow down.
I sense in myself the need to slow down, to stop and take a deep breath…look around, become aware and then slowly but with awareness move forward. I also sense that I find it difficult to do that within the world we live in today. Everything is moving so fast around me…especially expectations…even my own. So how do you slow down in a world like this?
The key to that is of course to be in the moment…and only the moment. To realize that that is all there is…now, this moment. But also to make your world small, in arms reach. And to live your passion…to live your love, your life. Create that space around you that gives you peace. And when you are in a place where that cannot be done, make sure you can create it within your self, so that amiss all the chaos of this modern world there is always a lucid mountain stream within yourself to go sit by where you can find your inner peace. Go there often, drink from the stream and plug into the silence and serenity. It’s always there.
Its who you are.
Sometimes you encounter people on your path that light a spark in a dark forgotten place within yourself. It is like touching Home or a long lost love. This can be subtle and ticklish …It can also be deep and transforming, opening, breathtaking and even frightening.
It can be a simple smile from a passer-by on our path, imprinting a subliminal message deep into our blueprint or it can be a more intense encounter with a soul whose vibration shakes our own vibrational foundation like an unexpected earthquake, turning our world upside down and inside out. Demanding change.
These encounters can be with anyone and anywhere at any given time. It can be the passer by on your path or the woman sitting beside you on the train. It can be a teacher, a party goer, a cashier, your chiropractor or your nextdoor neighbor. And it doesn’t really matter as whom or in which form they come (sometimes they even come as animals), it is really more about picking up on what is being given.
You see, these soul encounters don’t just randomly happen in our lives. They happen for a reason. It is a contract, a promise made in a time before we were born onto this earth. It is one beautiful soul saying to another before being born “…if you forget, I will come along and remind you.” And that is what they do, they come along at the exact right moment in our lives to remind us. The stranger giving us a loving smile when we are feeling down or frustrated…reminding us that life is not all bad and that there is still love in the world. The young kid doing something silly, making us laugh to remind us not to take ourselves and life too seriously. The teacher recognizing our talents and encouraging us to use them, and even the dog, asking us to be more playful with life when we are working too hard, but also someone who steps hard on our toes or kicks our knees out from under us demanding from us to stand our truth and in our strength.
When we encounter these moments with awareness we can see them for what they are. We can indulge in the encounter as long we feel the need, enjoy the vibration, accept the gift and then bow our heads in gratitude and step forward on our path (and sometimes keeping lifelong friendships in the process). Yet when we encounter these souls on our path in a state of unawareness and only feel the emotions that have been triggered by their being, it can be confusing. We can get angry, frustrated, overwhelmed and sometimes think we are in love…this because of the pure loving vibration of the other soul hitting our own, exposing something hidden within us. That is why it is important to truly feel the essence of what is being offered and given when you feel someone stroking your vibrational strings. Otherwise things can get frustrating for one or the other…or both.
And let us not forget that we too are those souls, we too carry gifts in our hearts waiting to be given to the right people in the right moments. And although in receiving the gifts we may be aware, in giving them we are often unaware, That is what makes these gifts so pure.
It is important that we become more thankful of the people along our path, whether for a moment or for a lifetime……
So, when someone comes along and lights a spark in us, tickling our being, our vibration…pay attention! For it is a long lost soul giving you a gift promised.
I send my love and thanks to all those souls who have crossed or come upon my path and fine tuned my strings, aware and unaware.
If it were up to me we would be living in a yurt, or a small cabin, and then preferably on a beautiful piece of land with trees, a creek or river within ears reach and a view of the mountains or hills. With nothing more than we actually need.
I can sometimes get so overwhelmed with all the ‘things’ around me. I have too much stuff. We all have too much stuff. Too many things to choose from. You can see this as a positive luxury…but it is also a hassle, a ball and chain, a waste of time. I keep cleaning out my clothes closet, and still I find myself standing in front of it not knowing what to wear, what to choose.I look around in my house, full..cluttered. Cluttered with things I don’t need. It is as if it not only takes up space but also air, so much so that it is as if at times I have difficulty breathing.
Even at the bakery…so many breads to choose from. So many everything to choose from. And don’t even get me started on jeans! When I was a teen, there were regular zipfly, 501 button fly…and boot cut. And there were 3 brands..Levi’s, Lee and Wrangler. That was it. I recently went to go shopping for jeans, went into a jeans store and after 5 minutes ran out screaming (and crying…as they only had sizes to fit runway models and I am far beyond that size…) There were literally at least 10 different types of jeans to choose from, and I didn’t understand most it (high rise, low rise, boyfriend, skinny, loose fit, tight fit, …) Not to mention the fact that jeans these days are as thin as a sheet op paper and not durable at all. Where did the simple life go? when a bread was a bread, and a friend was a friend…and you were thankful to have them. When a house was just that…a place to shelter you from wind and rain and not a place to fill up with unnecessary possessions.
Then there is the internet, which, I must say also has some positive sides to it. The connection with old friends, finding information, and this…my blog. All possible through the internet. But it is also too much, too much information, too many ‘friends’, too much time consuming if you are not disciplined enough to limit your time. The quickness of communication is bizar…with whats app and so forth. Waiting in all beautiful anticipation for a handwritten letter…those days are gone. We don’t take the time anymore to carefully choose our words and our thoughts. Instead of sitting down quietly in a space of time and writing a letter, carefully choosing the words we write and even creating poetry along the way….we now text and facebook each other, in often emotional uproars, within the minute. Not having time to think or feel it through. There is just too much. We are being bombarded with so much information, with so many unnecessary things and it is killing us as a society and as people.
I secretly wish that all internet an tv would shut down for some reason…even if just for a week or sobut hopefully longer. I seriously wonder what would happen in the world then. We would have to write letters again, and take time to call from a land line. We wouldn’t be hearing about all the wars and other violence in the world and thus becoming a bit more happier and cheerful, and if all those wars and other things countries/leaders are doing aren’t given any attention then they have less power. If there was a sort of internet and tv blackout worldwide… we would BE more with ourselves and each other. We would be more social….no more heads bowed over our smartphones, we would spend and consume less, as we would have to actually take time to go out to shop and find the things we need, we would go visit each other instead of chatting on facebook.
I want things to be special again. Things aren’t special anymore. Everything is easy and so close at hand. We don’t appreciate things anymore and take so many things for granted. It’s as if we leave out time and intent when doing things. To make things special, even the small everyday things, you need to take time and do it with intent, with feeling (preferably a positive one of course!) to really be in the moment and experience.
Take a break from facebook, from internet, write a letter. Visit a friend.
That is life, that is love…that is the now. There is only the now. So live it.
Be it. Love it.
Pealing away the layers part 1
Life has been trowing me some rough things lately, challenging my ego and demanding my true inner self.
The first layer that was asked to be peeled away was that of my being a mother. Who was I if I wasn’t a mother? This peeling started when I thought I was overdue not too long ago. I have 4 children ranging between 14 and 18 months and I am 42. As I was waiting for the results, I started to wonder how I would really feel if it turned out positive. Part of me loved the idea and found it exciting….but if I were really honest with myself I realized that it would totally exhaust me. Deep down I knew this. I knew I was tired, I want space for myself, I want to do things for myself….and that is difficult to do knowing I am the mother that I am. I am a wolf mother, a tiger mother, a lioness…a bear. I feel a huge responsibility when it comes to caring for and protecting my kids. I birth at home so that no stranger can interrupt the sacred moment and my baby can be skin to skin from the beginning. I breastfeed at least two years, co-sleep, keeping them close and carry them in a carrying wrap close against my body and heart. I do not vaccinate and keep all harmful chemicals at bay. But I also give them lots of freedom to explore, to learn, to be.
I realized that I also enjoyed showing my way of mothering to the world. I had come to identify myself with this part of me, to the extent that I would refuse to use a buggy as my child was a bit bigger and even though I had a backache I would still carry my child. I wanted to show other mothers how to connect and bond with their babies, I wanted to tell them to pick their babies up, to not let them cry alone in their prams…stop shaking the pram and pick up your baby and cradle them in your arms. And although I didn’t doubt that all those mothers loved their babies as much as I did…(they did for sure)..I still seemed to feel the pain of those babies…the pain of not being heard in their cries, of being left alone in their desperation…of not being picked up and held or suckled at the breast.
Or so I thought I felt their pain, in reality it was my own pain that I felt.
It was then that I realized why I (or some part of me) wanted to create a safe haven over and over again, for babies. What I was actually doing was trying to create a safe haven for my self, for my own little inner girl. It was a bonding with self that I was trying to achieve through my children. It was trying to fill a space in myself that had never been filled by my own mother. I did not grow up in a safe haven. I was left to cry (as were my sisters). I was not seen and not heard. I was not fed with love. I do believe my mother tried…she did what she could. I can see that now. But it doesn’t change the fact that there is an empty space within… that, in a normal, loving and nourishing setting should have been filled and imprinted from the day I was conceived.
Now that I know this, I can let my inner longing for another child go and start feeding, carrying and bonding with my Self. I can start caring for myself now. And most important, start loving myself.
Peeling away the layers part2
Not long after the realization and peeling away the layer of how I had come to identify myself with (my way of) mothering came the next layer to the surface….
This one had to do with anger….towards men. Looking back in my life I saw that I have always been a rebel. And foremost…I always needed to do better than the boys. I was a tough girl, a tomboy. And I always had the need to be stronger than the boys. It wasn’t until my late teens that that started to change a little, although I never stopped giving a guy a piece of my mind or a kick in the groin when I felt it was needed. I was always -and still am- outraged by any sexist remarks or comments and in high school it brought me to the principles office many a time (I had e few ignorant male teachers in high school…but luckily a few good ones too).
After high school it all died down a bit, I had a boyfriend who beat me physically, later another who beat me emotionally…and the one man who truly cared I pushed away, he was just too damn nice and loving. I can still see him standing there…with tears in his eyes as I (with my arm reached out and finger pointing) tell him to ‘go away’…him pleading with me “But …, there is so much I want to do for you…” Yeah right…(my 20 year old self thought)…as if that’s to be trusted!
Years later, and after being initiated into motherhood I started reading again and following workshops in things like Women’s Medicine wheel. I started to learn more about HERstory instead of history. The more I learned, the angrier I became. Again and again I saw how MEN were responsible for war, rape, violence…especially against women and their children. A mother would never send her child into war. And in fact, in the times of matriarchal (a mother-child centered community) living…there were no wars.
There were women who were saying that ALL men were evil, that ALL men were bad…but, as angry as I was, I wasn’t able to believe this..not when I looked at my own son and husband. This just couldn’t be. What I did see is how men have been raised in a way that does not represent the divine masculine. It’s all around us…and I can only hope that I can create and give my own son enough of a loving foundation to not get lost in what is now most often portrayed as ‘manly’.
And then one day a whole new aspect of feminine/masculine came into view….which turned into a big discussion with other sisters….transgender men who want to be present in women’s circles. For some reason I could not accept this. Whether or not they still had their penis or had created breasts….for me these were still men in a woman’s space….and it felt threatening. Men taking over women’s space. I could see them and accept them…but not in my sacred space of woman.
As I saw that most sisters tended to accept these male ‘sisters’ with open arms I really tried to see and feel from their perspective. And I could..in many ways. Many of the reasons for their acceptance I could resonate with…and yet it all still triggered an anger in me…a defensive reaction. I later spoke to a good friend of mine about it, who knew a transgender who wanted to be in the sister circle. She explained to me that although the body was still male (in his case)…the energy was all female. This, she said was not true in all cases, as she had also met a transgender who had no penis anymore and had implanted breasts…but the energy was still all male. And what of the young children these days that are already at a young age claiming to be born in the wrong body? There were so many thoughts and emotions running through me and I couldn’t seem to untangle them. But then my friend asked me a very simple but crucial question:
“why not just let your anger towards men go?”
The moment she asked me that tears sprung to my eyes and I knew there was a healing truth in what she asked. The first feeling and thought that came to me was panick:….but then I will betray myself and all my sisters…and all the women of the past. Because, if am not angry at men and all their doings anymore then what will I stand for? Who am I if I am not that women standing up with and for other women and raising my fists at all the aggression from men against women…who am I if I cannot stand up for women’s rights in a white male dominated world? How in the world can I let go of the anger and in turn embrace these men? Men that have raped, plundered and killed all that is feminine. Then my friend said..
‘But enough is enough, no more anger and hate. We have to love these men as our own sons.’
And I realized she was speaking truth. These men have forgotten who bore them life. They have been disconnected, for it is the unbonded male that rapes…demanding that which (for some reason) was never given to him or that which he has forgotten. It is the divine feminine, the love of a mother that can heal the wounded masculine.
And if I keep holding on to this anger..what then, am I saying to my husband…and my son??? I realized I needed to let it go. I also realized that it was very difficult to do…as it went so deep …and so far back. I am not even sure if I have let all of it go yet.
And of course, even when I let the anger go, I can still stand up for women’s rights. But now from a place of love, a place of power. This does not mean I cannot be angry, or that the Kali in me is not allowed to rage. She too has her space and place and she willroar when needed.
So now, together with and through my husband I try to heal the anger and pain. For him also, I assume, it is a healing process…whether he is aware of it or not. Finding and bringing back not only the divine feminine…but also the divine masculine. The god and goddess…the ones who we truly are. It is digging through and throwing off the layers and layers of anger and pain that have been put upon us for so many generations. It can be very confronting, frighting…but also very healing and liberating.
Peeling off the layers..down to our very core.
Being who we are really meant to be, but more importantly…
seeing each other for the divine love which we truly are.
oh, and the one loving man that my young self turned away? He is now my husband.
I look up at the clouds, dark and rolling. Thick with silence and yet an occasional low rumble within. For some reason I find solace in them. I find them beautiful and comforting and they mirror the movement inside me.
There is a stillness, a silence, a deep rooted calm and yet so many emotions tangled and intertwined. As if I am calmly un-twining many different threads…some fine and delicate and some rough and thick. A curiosity as to where each of them will lead. Maybe they all have different sources, or maybe they all lead back to the same. I suppose it would have to be the latter as there is only one source.
There is a deep longing to finally un-peel and unfold, I do not wish to carry my burdens anymore. All that does not serve me may be released. So where does one begin? With one thread, one knot, one tangle at a time.
It is time to stand my truth. No matter how much fear may accompany it. The greatest fear being that of rejection, fear of banishment by my dearest loved ones. See, when you stand strong in your truth and when that truth is not the daily mainstream but comes from a place deep within your heart, I have found that it can be very threatening and uncomfortable for others.
I look at one of the threads in my hands, and I see it’s the thread longing to be seen and heard…but I wonder, do I really see and hear my self? Do I trust and love myself enough to go swimming within my deep dark depths? I need to know how deep my waters are. I need to know how deep my waters are ……before I let anyone else swim in them with me.
And I just wonder If I can hold my breath long enough to find out.
Blessed I am